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At first, I was angry. Angry with Connor, who'd put me here. Angry with Wesley, who'd led us all down this path in the first place. Finally, angry with myself. I can't even list all the reasons I had for being angry with myself.
Eventually though, there was only darkness. It lasted forever: the darkness, the flowing silence eating away my consciousness. I felt bits of my mind wash away with the tide...which never ceased flowing over me. Over, and around, and through...the seawater replaced any blood I might have had left.
Darkness, darkness. What a fool I'd been, to think I knew about darkness merely for living 200 years without daylight. I would learn it anew there, in a box, in the ocean. Darkness, I learned, hides nothing...rather, it reveals more than the brightest lights. Darkness is thick and sweet, like mead. Darkness is dry and intoxicating as the finest wine.
Oh, and I was drunken there, without blood, without light, without hope. There in the darkness, somehow...she poured herself into my mind and through my body.
*******
Suddenly, she is here. I suspect that she's another hallucination, but I'm glad of it anyway. Even the last one...the one where I drink her...even that comforts me.
She touches my hand. "I've missed you" she says. My eyes fill with tears. I can see her hand on mine, and I can feel…something. It's like a breath.
"I can't feel you" I tell her. "I know" she says. "Close your eyes".
She touches my hand again, but this time, it's different. She slides into me somehow…then suddenly I feel my own body, through her. She is resting inside my skin.
"Cordelia?" I can barely believe she is here.
"Shhh…" I hear it, but only in my head. Outside I can still hear the ceaseless push and pull of the ocean. She lifts my hand, touches my face. I lean into her touch. I'm breathing now. Or maybe she is...I can't tell which of us it is. This is so much more real than the other hallucinations, it makes me gasp.
With my other hand, she gently explores the bones of my face. She traces the line of my jaw, across the cheekbone to the bridge of my nose. Up, across the forehead and into my hair. She is running my fingers through my hair, and somehow it feels more like her hand than my own. Down my neck, and into my shirt. The feel of her hands on my chest is suddenly overwhelming, and I moan. I feel her lips (or is it the slightest ocean current?) brush across my throat, and I stretch my head back, offering her all of it.
The water and the darkness and her hands all across my body...it makes my head spin. I can feel her blood pulsing in my ears as she floods through me; wetter and more salty than the ocean.
The box creaks around us, and we're moving up -- and then suddenly she is gone.
In her absence, other, less pleasant hallucinations take over. Sharp, unfriendly light and harsh noise break into my dark and silent world. "I should've killed you" I say to one of the hallucinations...unsure who I mean.
A familiar, comfortable voice -- Wesley is here. Wesley, who has been my friend at his own peril, who has backed me no matter how badly I've screwed up. Wesley, who stole my son from me. Wesley, who betrayed me. I can't form words. Strangely, in this hallucination I taste blood -- weaker than the ocean brine -- and I wonder if it could be real. I always wonder that, of course. I stare off into the distance where a thousand tiny lights are visible, and I wonder how this hallucination will end.
Blood again: strong and smoky and human. It makes me light-headed, makes me swoon like strong liquor did when I was human. I taste Wesley; his loyalty and his fear of me and his fear for me. I taste him, and I want more. I cling to his arm as he gently holds my head up. I taste Wesley, and I know that I'm no longer hallucinating; that I am heading for dry land again.
--The End--